I believe that we are brilliant beings. When I meet with clients, I am fascinated at how their minds, bodies, emotions and spirits have survived their fate. How they have created intricate coping mechanisms. How they have altered their thinking. The intelligence that exists in each and every human being needs to be honored. We don’t react or create patterns in our lives because we are delusional. We have created patterns to work with our previous and current reality. If we are distrustful, it is because we have lived in situations throughout our lives where people WERE distrustful. If we fear rejection, it is because we have been rejected over and over in our lives. Eventually, we find that these coping mechanisms and patterns are no longer acceptable to us. They are messing with our lives in a way that brings us shame and guilt.
If people move, speak, and act quickly and impulsively there has to be a reason. If people tend to procrastinate and move slowly, there has to be a reason. However, moving too quickly or too slowly can bring criticism, judgment, and shame into our lives. Impulsivity can cause as much “destruction” in our lives as procrastination. As we get tired of creating this “destruction” in our lives time after time, we decide we need to change but aren’t sure how. How do we find a balance? If we feel we move too quickly (and this has been our life pattern), how do we slow down? If we move too slowly, how do we take steps to move in a quicker way without compromising our need to think things through?
Shame has followed my impulsivity. I have been judged, yelled at, criticized and disciplined for blurting words out without using a filter. I can be crude. I can make a statement I think is funny – and then look around to see horror on the faces around me. Ooops, not funny! I can be mean. I can be truthful without compassion. I can be acerbic and sarcastic. Again, this is not usually my intention. It is the impulsive blurting without the filter… It is a very young place I go to. I grew up in a large family where it was difficult to be heard or seen unless you spoke quickly and loudly! You also had to act pretty quickly – especially with the bathrooms and at meal time to have “enough” food or hot water! If you examine this young place, it is a place of fear. A fear of never having or being enough. A fear of never being seen or heard. It is a place that is “desperate” for attention. Moving and speaking quickly was a coping mechanism – that can come in handy, but it can also cause a lot of trouble and problems you no longer want in your life. This is the key! Find the FEAR to find out WHY you act the way you do. Where does the fear live and breathe within you? Where does the FEAR taint the truth of who you are??
Around seven years ago I realized that I used my words as my defense. To stay one step ahead. To “protect” others. To keep others intimidated. To protect me. My words, when blurted, kept me isolated and misunderstood. Notice that I didn’t use my words to create vulnerability, compassion, softness, and love. I was afraid for others to witness my heart – yet I expected others to see beneath the impulsive words and actions to my truth, my heart. So, about seven years ago I got a tattoo on the back of my neck. It is a Kanji for “Harmony”. It is a visual statement that shows my longing to have my words (my throat chakra) in alignment with my heart and my mind. Now I can’t see my tattoo but others see it. I am asked by others at least once per month about my tattoo. By having to tell them what it is and why it’s there, I am reminding myself of my positive intention.
If fear created my need to be quick and impulsive, then the obvious place to look to create more balance was to slow down. The ever important “Pause” button that is necessary for all of us impulsive and fast moving people! Pausing before I speak or act allows me to ask myself these important questions: What are the consequences of what I am about to say or do? Will they think it is funny? Is this important? Will it hurt their feelings? What is the purpose of me saying or doing this? By taking approximately two seconds – yes, only two seconds – I am able to create more harmony between my words and my heart thereby honoring God’s greatest gift to me – my huge, loving heart. It is a constant challenge to put my fears aside and move slower. Telling myself that I will still be seen, heard, and have (and be) ENOUGH is my mantra on this path of slowness!
Another gift of slowing down is that it allows me to be truly present with another. We are usually living in the past or the future. Think about when you are having a conversation with someone else. While they are speaking are you already formulating your answer? Are you day dreaming? By staying in the present, it allows me another Pause! I am pausing to HEAR what the other person is saying, not only with their words but with their whole body. I am listening on a level that can only be achieved when you are fully present with another. What a great gift for me AND the person I am currently in relationship with (whether it is a client, husband, child, or stranger!).
Slowing down is a constant challenge for me. I have tried to take it to every level - when I remember! I drive more slowly (this means less speeding tickets!!). I eat more slowly. I try to let my husband’s more relaxed attitude infuse my life and body!! I do my best to hit the “pause” button as often as possible when I am speaking or acting. I don’t always succeed and then I am left to clean up my messes. But, I AM better. I am less stressed. I am less fearful and angry. I am a work in progress. I revel in the times that moving quickly is needed - and honor my ability to do what needs to be done quickly and efficiently! But this is not the place I live anymore. I try to live in the more balanced place. Balance is a life lesson for ALL of us!
I raise my glass to going more slowly! Love to you!
Sex is yummy. Sex is delicious. Sex is pleasure and sex is about self-love! My longing is that more and more people can revel in their sexuality. That this sacred place is filled with joy - not judgment and shame! How we feel about sex and our sexuality is a good guage with regard to our sense of self-love. To find more joy, yumminess, and beauty in your sexuality, read further!
Does just saying the word “sex” make you cringe inside. Do you feel you need to hide your sexuality? Sex is a tough topic especially around shame. Between society’s rules, religion’s rules, our parents’ rules, our friends’ rules, and our partners’ rules - we have been “ruled” to death. Whose rules do we follow? Whose rules are acceptable, or correct, or safe, or right. We have also taken on beliefs from others - beliefs are different from rules. Rules are the “how to” and beliefs are the thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Therefore, if we are a member of a religion that has strict rules around sex and sexuality, and you don’t follow these rules, the belief would be that you are: bad, wrong, a sinner, evil, going to hell, need to repent, etc. So, women/men who ____ are _____. See where I’m going?
Standing in your Inner Authority
Your Inner Authority creates your individual boundaries. We are all unique. One person’s boundaries around sex (and what makes them feel safe) and their sexuality will be different from another’s. So, it is time to throw out all those rules that were put upon you by others and society. It is time to go on an Inner Authority Mission! Trusting yourself to guide you in what makes you: feel good, feel safe, feel joyous and proud!
It was time to have another awkward discussion with my daughter about sex. Even though we have had many of these talks over her 17 years, we were both still uncomfortable… I wanted to discuss boundaries - how far was “too” far for her and her boyfriend to go. The advice I gave her was this: The gauge for you to use is what feels good in your heart and soul - not just your body. Your body can get caught up in the moment and in the physicality. But we are not just physical people - we have thoughts, emotions, hearts, and souls. ALL must be considered and honored to decide what and when is right for you. This “guage” is instrumental to keep shame out of this essential and blissful part of your life! If what feels good before and during does NOT feel good after – if there is remorse, questions, or you feel the need to have a negative conversation with yourself - then you have crossed over your boundaries. The goal with sex and sexuality is that it ALWAYS feels good. You should feel just as good AFTER as you did before and during in your heart, soul, and body! Listening to your heart, your emotions, your mind, and your soul is the path to finding and then standing in your inner authority with regard to sex.
To step deeper into your Inner Authority I am going to ask you to get out a piece of paper and pencil. I am then going to ask you to take the rules and beliefs you have about sex and put them on hold for a moment. Now ask yourself these questions and take your time answering: What are YOUR boundaries around sex? Where are you comfortable and where are you not comfortable? Where is your heart? How do you honor your heart around sex and your sexuality. Where do you connect and disconnect with your intimate partner? Where does joy, bliss, delicousness, beauty, and yumminess live in your sexuality and sex life??
Creating an Environment that is filled with Safety & Trust
Creating boundaries based on your individual Inner Authority is so important so that you can feel safe. Once you feel safe you can relax and fall deeper into that place of pleasure, beauty and self-love. Of course, there is more to it than that…
Another reason I spoke to my daughter about taking her time and checking out how she felt, was because I wanted her to make sure she felt safe and trusted the boy she was choosing to kiss, touch and eventually make love to. When you move too fast, or when you are intimate with a partner that is not deserving of your trust, you betray yourself and reinforce old, negative beliefs that you carry about sex and your sexuality. This validates the shame that already lives and breathes within you. Making love is a sacred act. It is a place where the most spiritual, loving connection can be made with another. Honoring the sacredness by choosing wisely, removes any shame that wants to invade your sexuality.
Staying Present
Staying present is key to taking shame out of your sexuality. When you can’t stay present, you are either in judgment, shame, guilt, the past or the future. ANYPLACE but your heart and in the present. The white noise that is filling your head is keeping you from that intimate connection. It is also keeping you from a place of self-love, trust, and wholeness. Asking yourself these additional questions can be key to releasing shame around your sexuality: Can you be present when making love with your intimate partner? Are you in the moment or are you constantly thinking - about the past, about the future, about them, about you… Can you look them in the eyes? Can you see your partner through the eyes of your heart? Can you receive pleasure? Do you freely give pleasure? If you answer any of these with a “No”, then it is time to take a deeper look at your beliefs and rules around sex.
Can You Forgive Yourself
Being able to forgive yourself is another guage or marker for how much compassion you have for yourself and your humanness! When you are “looking for love in all the wrong places”, can you forgive yourself? When you go too fast or overstep your personal boundaries, can you forgive yourself? When you can’t stay present, can you forgive yourself? Forgiveness is the last “key” I would like to share with regard to removing shame from your sexuality. Can you be in a place of curiosity and not judgment? When you are able to sit in your curiosity and forgiveness versus calling yourself ugly names, you can take a GIANT LEAP away from shame. Next time you find yourself unhappy with regard to your sexuality, try having this conversation with yourself: “Huh, here I am again. What is the NEED that I am trying to fill with my sexuality that brings me shame instead of joy? How do I change this pattern?”
I am NOT a Therapist
One of my many “aha” moments during my time at The Barbara Brennan School of Healing is that we ALL carry some shame around our sexuality. We have been wounded somehow during our lives. Your “aha” moments that allow you to release shame and step further into self-love might be as simple as reading this blog. Others might need some additional help! A friend, a therapist, a sexual therapist, self-help books about honoring your sexuality - please don’t discount any and all resources that are at your disposal to help you on this path to bring wholeness, acceptance and bliss into your life.
Our sexuality is a sacred place that is all about loving yourself and feeling joy and pleasure. So, move over shame - here comes BLISS!
Love to you
“Sit down Cindy. Be quiet Cindy. Be a good girl.” I heard these words over and over from my parents growing up. I am sure they got as sick of saying them as I was from hearing them. My report cards were no different. “Cindy is a bright and lovely child. She would get more out of the class, however, if she would spend more time listening and less time talking.” “Cindy has trouble sitting still during class.” I was actually asked to leave the library as a five year old because I was too loud.
My voice, my words, my ability to distract myself and others, my loudness, and my “bigness”, were not assets as I was growing up. These qualities got me in quite a bit of trouble, actually. Time outs. Being ostracized by others. Chastised. Disappointment. As I grew, I learned ways to “tame” myself - bring it down a few notches. I also found healthy outlets - singing, dancing, theatre productions, and then teaching aerobics. But still, out of those environments my voice, my words, my bigness and loudness was a problem to others. In my early 20’s I was the only administrative assistant given an office. Why? Not because I was the BEST at my job. I was given an office so that the owner of the company didn’t have to hear my loud voice (he also hated my laugh).
Most of my life I held a lot of shame about who I was as a person. I liked that I loved life, but I hated that my love of life annoyed others. Every time I was asked to stop talking, speak quietly, laugh softer, and sit still, I was reminded how bad, silly, stupid, and embarrassing I was to myself and others. Then, at 44 years old, I went to Brennan. I was able to see that I had some incredible core qualities. However, these qualities were tainted by my fear. It was my unconscious demand that I be seen and heard that made me talk incessantly, speak and laugh loudly, and have my energy field extend out so far (i.e. my bigness).
By consciously working on my curious observer, my “aha” moments around my need to be seen and heard were life changing. Acceptance began to replace shame. When I realized that even at my quietest I will still be considered loud, it helped me relax my voice. My need to give input and the tone of my voice shifted. When I realized that when I walk in a room, with the God given bigness of my personality, I WILL BE SEEN no matter what, my need to be the center of attention began to wane. With acceptance came an inner peace that allowed me to bring in my field and sit quietly and comfortably for the first time in my life.
My curious witness has been my best friend in helping me transform shame into destiny. Identifying my fear and defenses that “taint” my core essence qualities was essential to having me see these qualities in a completely different fashion. As my curious observer witnessed my relaxation around the fear that was driving my “over the topness” - due to my lack of enoughness - I began to realize that my effortless ability to put my thoughts into words was an asset. My lack of fear around speaking in front of others - another asset. Finally, my skill at bringing a group together and inspire their passion - a Blessing! For public speaking bigness is a requirement! These core essence qualities that brought me shame most of my life were given to me for a reason - not to punish me, but to speak to, motivate, and teach others.
I no longer apologize for who I am. I AM passionate. I AM big. I AM louder than the average bear. I now LOVE my Joie De Vivre. My laugh expresses my passion and my essence. My destiny to be an energy worker, motivational speaker and teacher couldn’t be reached without these qualities! Bye, bye shame…Good riddens!
Shame is one of the lowest resonances of energy we can hold in our bodies and in our field. It feels dark and heavy physically and mentally. Shame makes us feel like a part of us is bad or evil, or that we have done wrong, and it cannot be fixed.
When do we feel shame? When we are 1) imperfect - make a mistake or fail at something, 2) not accepting of ourselves and our humanness, 3) at fault and don’t think we can fix or clean up our mess, 4) Sinners, 5) Regretful, 6) Disgraced, humiliated, or judged, 7) A disappointment to others…to name a few.
There are large areas where shame exists societally. Sex is a hot topic. We judge ourselves and feel shame if we like it, hate it, orgasm a lot - or never, had sex too young, or are a virgin too long. Sexuality is an issue if we are homosexual, bisexual, metrosexual, transgender, transvestites, swingers, alternative lifestylists, etc. Pregnancy can bring shame if you have an abortion, miscarry, or put the baby up for adoption. Illness can bring shame - mental illness, cancer, autism, learning disorders, and many more. Money is a big one, especially in this economy! Either we are ashamed that we have too much (and don’t share “enough”), too little, have filed bankruptcy, foreclosure, bad credit, or have been wasteful and made poor financial decisions. Intelligence, parenting skills, whether we are extroverts or introverts, and even driving records - shame and judgment seems to follow us wherever we go!
How do we go about removing shame from our life? How do we move past and beyond this negative and destructive emotion? One thing is for certain: We can’t stop others from judging us! We can only change ourselves, how we see life, how we react, and how we see (and judge) others.
Acceptance and the Need to be Superior. This is such a tough one. I have a very large Judge within me. I know, I know - it is because I am afraid of others judging me first. But how do we learn to have more compassion - and with compassion, acceptance? It is simple really - one judgment at a time. Whenever I see someone and want to roll my eyes - because I think they are too fat, or too thin, or are wearing outfits I don’t approve of I: 1) Silently ask for forgiveness from that person, 2) Ask for God to forgive me for judging another, 3) Ask myself who made me their judge and superior to them! After a few years of this I now giggle at myself when I find myself judging another. The giggle comes from my knowledge of myself: Oh, here is that young place again. Here I am trying to be “Miss Fashionista” and the Queen of all that is good and right in the World. Bow everyone…” I can laugh at myself and my need to judge others - while asking for forgiveness and moving on with my day. I try to remind myself that we are all the walking wounded. I try to put myself in others’ shoes. I try to remember how difficult it is to be judged and humiliated. I don’t wish that on another human being. After a couple of years of giggling at my need to be superior, I find that I am much more accepting of myself as well as others. I don’t know their story, and they don’t know mine. When I make a mistake I remind myself that I am human, what is important is that I clean up the mess I made with that mistake…
Cleaning Up Our Messes. Once we accept that we can make mistakes, then it just follows that others can make mistakes too. What is vital as we are adults is to have the courage to clean up the messes we make. Yes, I said Courage! It takes a lot of courage to look someone in the eye and be vulnerable: “I am sorry that I just hurt your feelings by my last comment. I didn’t mean it the way it came out. Please accept my apology.” It takes courage to go back to someone and say: “I lied to you. I told you that I was here, and I was really there. I am telling you because I have a longing to live a life of integrity. I am sorry. I will do my best to not lie to you again.” It especially takes courage to admit a mistake BEFORE you are caught! This is actually the BEST time to tell. You can prevent lots of drama, pain, and anguish if you can muster up the strength and chuztpah to clean up the mess before it becomes a full-fledged disaster. You will feel so much lighter in your soul EVERY time you clean up a mess!
Wearing the black and white hats. We are capable of great things. We are capable of horrible things. We can make good choices and poor choices…sometimes even in the same day! We can be screaming at someone in traffic in the morning and then giving a street person money for dinner that evening. We can be teachers and mentors professionally and then come home tired, ragged, and have little patience with our family. We are the sum of our choices, right? The bad doesn’t dilute or take away from the good. It is not a one to one ratio. If you can accept that we can wear both the black and white hats, then you are moving forward to removing the need to label people as good or bad, or actions as right or wrong. By removing labels, you are removing shame.
Having an objective third party. A therapist can give us tools to help us remove shame. An energy worker can do the same. Of course, don’t ever discount the healing that comes from talking to your best friend! These are great places for you to find out why you carry shame. They are wonderful places to check out your version of reality. Is there another way to see the situation? To interpret what happened? To see yourself from the eyes of another can bring peace. Typically we treat our friends better than we treat (and judge) ourselves. There are psychological models of work that can help you use your own reason to witness and observe your feelings, guilt and shame. Use these resources on your healing path!
Moving beyond shame is possible. By working diligently on this path, we are able to make more room for joy, bliss, compassion, and acceptance - of ourselves and others.
Love to you
Since I began my path as an energy worker in 2003, I have surrounded myself around people who are in the alternative and holistic professions. However, in an effort to create an abundant energy practice, I have joined a couple of local womens’ networking groups. I am the ONLY energy worker in these groups! When I tell these women what I do, I have been asked, on numerous occasions: “You mean energy as in Oil & Gas?” At first I was taken aback. Then I found it humorous. What it ultimately told me, however, is that part of my work is to educate the public on my profession. Energy work does not just consist of Reiki. Energy work has many different modalities. It can reach and help many, many people! It is not magic. It is not woo woo. It is real. It is transformational.
As an Energy Worker, I work with the Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Bodies of a being. The Energetic System is made up of the Emotional, Mental and Spiritual bodies/aspects of each person – which is reflected in their 7 chakras. Chakras are energy vorticies – think of them as the oil filter in your engine… If the filter gets clogged, torn, overused, it affects how the engine performs. All of our thoughts, spoken words, actions and in actions, beliefs, shame, guilt, fear, happiness, etc. are in our field from the time that we are born – and affect our chakras. Our field protects us. Projects aspects of us. Filters the information we receive – based on past experiences.
As An Energy Worker, I help my clients create consciousness in their lives of:
1. Their images & beliefs (that limit). For example: Women should be barefoot and pregnant. Men only want sex. To have a good work ethic I need to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Negative, destructive, or outdated beliefs limit our ability to grow and manifest our deepest longings.
2. We look at their patterns & reactions (that create pain & limit). When you react in a negative way to a comment or situation, it brings pain to you and the other. Looking for alternative ways to respond, and to understand why you are reacting negatively in the first place, helps you pause and have a choice!
3. We look in their bodies and fields for their fears (that limit). We have been living with our fears for so long that they have become a white noise hum we no longer consciously hear. By looking to your body and field, you can find clues that lead you to your underlying fear.
4. We uncover the brilliance of their hearts (that create joy and expansion). How many of us haven’t been in a traumatic relationship where there has been pain? We ALL have. Therefore, it makes sense that we guard and shield our hearts. By knowing that your heart is your biggest asset and it can never be taken from you, you begin to enjoy, revel in, and share the incredible light and love that emanates naturally from your being.
5. They become more conscious of their CHOICES!! Due to our fears, we are now hard-wired to believe: “This is who I am. This is my character. This is how I react.” Well, that is NOT the truth!! It is like believing that there is only one type of cellular phone available, when we can walk into the nearest Verizon store and have 20 to choose from. You DO have choices!! Every day! In every way! How do you WANT to react? Who do you WANT to be??
6. I mirror for them their truth; their beauty, brilliance, strength, compassion; their core qualities that are not tainted by pain…I help them remember who they REALLY are! The person God created them to be.
What makes this work so transformational is that energy work is based on Love. I am just a conduit of God’s love. All energy workers have one thing in common: We carry an intention in our work that we will do NO harm.When you look on another with eyes of love, you see their truth. This is not the norm, right? When you look in the mirror do you see YOUR truth? Or do you see all of your imperfections?We usually look at ourselves and others through eyes of fear. When I look at another with love and see their truth, it allows THEM to look at themselves with love.
So, who can I help with this work? With this work of love and truth?
1. People who are in major transitions in their lives… Divorce, cancer, children leaving the home, financial crisis, getting clean from addiction. “This is who I thought I was, but it isn’t who I am…So, who am I?” People that feel stuck or lost.
2. Those that are struggling with clinical depression, anxiety, phobias and can’t find their happiness.
3. People that are victims of abuse.
4. And, finally, people who struggle with their fate. Answering the question: “Why Me??!!”
Who else can I help? You know when some areas of your life are GREAT – and others, not so much… I help you identify the patterns that exist in this area of your life that do not serve you or your best and highest good. How to STOP the loop. Those that are having difficulty manifesting their longings, dreams, and goals in their lives. We look for the: Why and Where is the self-sabotage?You learn how to achieve those longings. Those on their Spiritual Quest: Answering the “tough” questions: Why Am I Here?? What is my Path? What is my Destiny? Finally, the most transformation work I have found is: Grief Work . By healing old wounds; saying Goodbye, and then moving on.
So, no, I don’t deal with Oil & Gas. I do wish my work could bring down the gas prices!!! However, I deal with the whole being in front of me. The beautiful essence that has been forgotten by the human who has been hurt and traumatized by life. Are you ready to Transform Your Life???
I hope to see you via Skype or in my new office in Middleburg, Virginia.
Love to you
You are a bad ____ because you failed. Failure is NOT an option. Failures are losers. If you’re not first place, you’ve failed. Why try if you might fail? Avoid failure at all costs.
If you failed, you: Didn’t try hard enough. Weren’t prepared. Didn’t do the research. Weren’t organized. Weren’t consistent. Gave up. Copped out. Set yourself up for failure. Didn’t set your goals. Have no self-discipline. Are lazy. Are not living up to your potential. Are stupid.
Do these sound familiar??? We have been living with most of these our entire life. To turn this type of shameful thinking around, takes a lot of work. But it is this challenging work that brings more joy and freedom into your life through truth and acceptance.
There are levels of shame that come with failure. There is private failure, public failure, and then there is failure that involves hurting another – collateral damage. This, for me, brings the highest level of shame, guilt, remorse, and self-punishment. That’s what shame is, right? Self-punishment. We call ourselves names. We feel bad, evil, or dirty.
If we don’t do our best on a paper while in school or if we trip while going up the stairs of our empty house, it is easy to push this minor slip to the side. If it’s a small faux pas, we can cover it with humor. Like tripping in public and giving a curtsey, perhaps. But if we fail at something we care about or we hurt another in the process, it is a different story. Maybe we tell someone’s secret. We cheat on our partner. We separate our family through divorce. We “step” on a co-worker on our rise to professional success. We miss a client appointment. What if we can’t be present – with our partner, children, or clients – as we are too wrapped up in our own stuff… All of these actions (and I have named just a few) happen. Maybe we are the perpetrator of the “incident”/failure or maybe we are the victim. Yet, whether you are doing the failing or being the victim of the failure the consequences are painful for all involved.
Beliefs around failure come from our family and from our school years. We learn about failing in sports. Our parents, teachers, coaches and mentors shape most of our current beliefs around defining failure. We look for validation from these people. Society judges these people as well. If a coach has a team that continually loses, it means that they are a bad coach are they will be fired. If a child doesn’t do well in school (or does very well in school), it is somehow a reflection of how well they are parented. None of these things might be the truth. There is shame and disappointment for being different, learning differently, needing more. There is competition that brings shame. I call it the “My dog is bigger than your dog” thinking.
Failure versus Mistakes
We have all failed at something in life. Unfortunately, we ALL carry shame due to these MISTAKES. So, what’s the difference between failure and a mistake? My opinion is that in failing we have let the shame win. There is no lesson learned. When we make a mistake, we take responsibility for the failure, we clean up our mess if we need to, we look for the lesson in this failure, and we try, try again! The Mirriam Webster Dictionary defines failure as: weak, falling short, a disappointment, decificient, negligent, not successful. It defines mistake as: a blunder in choice.
Let’s look at “famous” people who have “failed”. In our society we consider filing bankruptcy a failure. A failure to manage your money well. A failure in managing your business or making adequate business decisions. Larry King, who is now worth $50 million, filed bankruptcy in 1978 (Million Dollar Ideas Guide, online magazine, February 1, 2009). Donald Trump has filed bankruptcy four times during his adult career. Abraham Lincoln filed bankruptcy two times. (Financial Edge by Investopedia.com, February 4, 2010). By the definitions given, would you consider Larry King, Donald Trump or Abraham Lincoln: weak, falling short, a disappointment, deficient, etc.? Sorry. Not me. Did they make a “blunder in choice?” Did they make a wrong judgment? Most obviously. However, the difference between these men – making mistakes versus failing – is that they: Learned from the events that brought them to bankruptcy. They were not overcome by shame. In fact, they used these events to better themselves as people and businessmen.
Who would you rather learn from? Someone who has “never” failed? To do this would be a big risk, in my opinion. They might not have the compassion and patience that you will need if you fail. They might not know where to look for the lesson that is the integral part of the failure. They may bring shame with: “Why couldn’t you see ___. Why can’t you do ____. This is easy stuff.” Or would you want to learn from someone who has tried a different way, risked, failed, and risen above the shame to find the lessons that have brought them another step closer to their destiny. They understand the VALUE of risk, truth, and endurance. They understand the VALUE of the lessons and the wisdom they bring.
Cleaning Up Your Mess
In the case of injuring another because of our failure, it is imperative that you do all that you can to clean up your mess. It takes an enormous amount of courage and strength to take responsibility for the pain you caused. The process of apologizing and trying to make things “right” is like taking a shower and washing the shame from your soul. It reinforces the knowledge that you are human and imperfect, but you have integrity and courage. Sharing your lesson with the other might help them see that you have gained wisdom and insight to prevent making this same mistake again. Even if you are not forgiven by the other, you know that you have done all you can do in the moment to clean up the mess you created.
Alternate beliefs around Failure:
Failure is normal and human. Failure means there is a lesson for me to learn. Failure brings me tenacity, courage, and strength. Failure means I might need help - For support, objectivity, or a specialist. Failure involves grieving. It is important that you grieve the failure. It is the dying of the original dream/longing/goal that won’t come true the way you had originally planned. This grieving process allows your dream/longing/goal to still manifest, but in a different way.
The truth is that the only time there is failure is when you take on the shame and believe the lie: “I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I won’t try again.” So, I encourage you. No, I implore you! Use your mistakes to your advantage! Stand up, dust off the shame and then look around. See this as an opportunity to become stronger, more tenacious, wiser, more vulnerable, and more accepting of yourself and others!
Love to you
